Faith. Faith is a really really hard thing to have. Its like doing a trust fall without knowing if anyone is even behind you to catch, you just have FAITH that someone will. And then bad things happen in life and you slowly think “wow… no one was there to catch me” and you start to lose faith that “that person” will ever be there to catch you.
In Isaiah 55:8-9 it says: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
They tell me on a daily basis that God has a plan, and that “his ways are not my ways” and I believe that with all my heart, I know that God had a better life for me then getting married to who I was engaged to, I can understand that, but its very hard to see the plan in Ella leaving us. Where was “my person” (AKA God) when I trust fell and begged him to not take her away from us and he was supposed to be there to catch me. I don’t know the answer to that, and no one does. Anyone who tries to explain to you why God did this is barking up the wrong tree. We may never know that answer because one day we may find ourselves at Heavens gates reunited with my little bean and that question will no longer linger in my mind because I will be there with her and things will be perfect. Now that is a lot of faith to have but at some point there is this sense of desperation and your left at a dead end where you can either turn your back completely, and then risk NEVER seeing your sister again or your can desperately have FAITH and have FAITH you’ll see her again.
In other news….Dating sucks.
Enough said. This whole perfect first date and then you have to wait for the guy to text you first thing is probably my favorite part (insert sarcasm). Guys have it so easy! They ultimately know they have it in the bag since we agreed to the date in the first place! We girls don’t just go on a date just because… we do heavy investigating, our friends do heavy investigating so by the time we go on the date, we have already done deep digging through his Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with the occasional Google search, we already know his favorite color, music he listens to, his hobbies and interests, if he has ever been arrested and basically anything one needs to know! So we agreed because we already like him. The guy waltz in looking as handsome as he did in the Instagram he posted from 6 weeks ago and already knows he has got you hooked. Then…. no call, no text, nothing until he feels like it! And we cant do anything otherwise we will look needy or clingy.
People ask me all. the. time. if there is hope for my ex and I. For awhile I thought, maybe…I thought maybe I could just tell him ill do anything and maybe he will stick around. I also pondered the scenario of “what if he figured some of his issues out and years later we reconnected”… would I take him back? I do not know the future but my answer now is simply… NO. God shut that door for a reason, and it isn’t even just that… I truly have gotten to a point where I am entirely moved on from HIM. I still hurt with the rejection of it all, trust me that pain will never fully go away. It was a life changing event, but I don’t yearn to talk to him or see him, I don’t miss him or want to hold his hand. I think my brain likes to fixate on all the things he took away from me, like my first wedding dress, my first bridal shower, my first bachlorette party, but i need to start seeing the things he gave me, like a fresh start, being able to find love… real love, he gave me the opportunity to grow my relationships with Christ, my family, and my friends… I am starting to see that there was more good then bad that came out of this.
Being thrown back in the dating game after thinking I would never have to date again is tough. Luckily I hadn’t been out of the game that long but the butterflies and the nerves are something I didn’t think I would ever feel again and to be honest… I LOVED IT! It was a adrenaline rush!
Sometimes, however, I do feel like i’m kinda a walking train wreck, when conversations lead to the recent events in my life and shock rolls across their face, followed by the “I am so sorry’s”… They say it but lets be honest they are thinking “this girl has to much baggage”
I have been hurt, pulled in every other direction and pushed to my limits time and time again…I have been “cut” but that does not mean ill continue to bleed, I am healing but I will always have scars, I will carry the pain with me but it will only remind me of the trials I’ve been through and how nothing can break me.
I am so excited for Summer 2016 to be over and a new season to start. There are so many good things to come, just taking it one day at a time and trying my best to Live Like Ella.