I lay in bed this morning dreading getting up and facing this day. The day my world forever changed. The day the sweetest of souls, funniest, wise, stoubborn, and loving little bean went to live with Jesus. Oh how I envy him. There are so many horrible things about that day that play in my mind, so many bad memories of the weeks to follow, but one thing that Ella gave me was a family that stuck closely together, and friends that stuck around. I want to thank everyone who gave me and continue to give me time to heal, those that understood when I needed space, and when I needed as little space as possible. Those who watched me struggle this passed year, make poor decisions, fall into a slump of depression, or ruin fun nights out by crying uncontrollably but continued to love me unconditionally. I want to thank those friends who after a year of no contact, we were able to pick up where we left off.
It is a known fact that during a time of healing and grief you often lose friendships. You never know who will come through and who will fade. Relationships change. There has been some losses. So to anyone I may have upset or friendships that may not have lasted, know that it’s not your fault, I hope you never have to understand the mindset you have after losing someone you love so dearly, but that is why I just no longer am the same. I know that it is not personal and not intentional. I will always love you guys and hope one day this dark cloud lifts.
To anyone grieving and enduring the loss of friends. I’m your friend! It’s normal, so don’t beat yourself up. Do the best you can to maintain and nurture friendships but don’t strain yourself, you have to much strain as it is, just relax move forward and know you are doing your best. And do what is best for YOU.
This passed year has been up and down with different emotions. I recently moved out, I Am the first in my family to move out before being married and it feels like quite the accomplishment! I moved in with a good friend of mine who I have known since middle school!
I recently decided to stop drinking as much, it’s a hard decision for a 20something who loves going out, but binge drinking on the weekend just isn’t good for anyone’s mental health. It’s tough but it’s something that I need to learn my limits on.
There are so many things that I need to change about my life to live more like Ella. Life is hard and things will never be the same, but making strides to have a healthier lifestyle is a step that will better me and make her happy.
Truly live everyday like it is your last, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to tell people you love them and especially don’t be afraid to be a little different! If there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that in the blink of an eye your whole life can change.